The Many Flavors of Pie

On a recent visit to our home, my MIL and I were alone in the kitchen.....cooking. Well, to be clear, I was cooking and she was standing there trying to figure out how she could help. There was seriously nothing that she needed to do to help at this point, as I was in a waiting phase on the entree and was stirring something else. She was perfectly free to go play with her grandchildren or, God-forbid, sit her butt down and relax. But this is not in my MIL's nature. She cannot sit if I am up. And she certainly cannot NOT talk when alone with me. In fact, she cannot NOT have a conversation going at any time, except maybe during church.

While watching shows with my children, she will try to figure out the songs with the show to sort-of not really sing them with the kids, in order to have a conversation with them, when they are clearly interested in something else.

During adult TV or movie time, you can forget about hearing the jokes and/or complicated plots as she will sit there for the entire show talking about her 3rd cousin's roommate who moved to NYC to make it big!

When in the car, there is NO radio on...EVER. You must talk constantly, no matter how long the drive. No zoning out, no singing along with Katy Perry, or the Beatles, or even Faith Hill (her favorite).

Phone conversations take forever, because as soon as you are done catching up and say, "good-bye" she will remember a story about her 3rd cousin on the OTHER side of the family who's dog found it's way home after a long two week journey through the desert.

OH, and if she is on a plane....She learns everything about the person sitting next to her, and then SPEWS that person's entire life story to us once she has arrived at her destination.

So back to cooking in the kitchen. Picture it: Me standing at the stove, stirring the gravy, making sure that there were no lumps. For a glimmer of a moment, I get lost in thought, but the moment passes as my MIL starts to read from the back of the Marie Callender box and lists every single pie that "she" makes. I swear it was just like the shrimp scene in Forrest Gump:

Did you know that Marie Callender makes a Chocolate Creme Pie, a Key Lime Pie, an Apple Pie, Cherry Pie, Blueberry Pie...."

I now happen to know that Marie Callender make's over 30 different kinds of pie! What do I DO with this information? Now, when she was done reading all of the pies, I should have just pulled a MIL and said, "Hmm." Which is what she does whenever she doesn't know what to say... But I'm stupid and I never learn! I said, "Well, that is pretty impressive for a fake person," thinking that Marie Callender is more like a Betty Crocker than a Paula Dean. So THEN, she proceeds to read the entire back of the box which includes the story of Marie Callender and her famous pies.

So how do I avoid this in the future? Do I talk non-stop about my friends, family and people that she doesn't know, just so I don't have to hear her talk for a change? Do I get the Bose sound-eliminating headphones? Or do I just let her jabber on and when she takes a breath, say "Hmm?"

Hmm.

Family Gossip

Ok. I'll admit it. Sometimes, I overreact. But you know what, I don't care. If my first impulse is to overreact, well then, that is an organic response. It's not like I work myself up into overreacting. That is just wrong. Such is the case with the newest installment of "Guess what my Mother In Law Did this Time!"

A couple of weeks ago, I went away for two days to a conference. (Which was FABULOUS!) In my absence, my in-laws decided to come and "help" my husband with the kids. I didn't care. For the most part, I wasn't here. Well, during that time, my MIL noticed that my 2-year-old daughter was having some...let's say "elimination"... issues. Now, my husband and I are totally aware of the issues, and have discussed them with our pediatrician. Our son had similar issues when he was a toddler, so we are no spring chickens regarding the situation. When I got home from my conference, all seemed fine. My MIL mentioned the elimination problem to me, to which I replied with something pithy like; "Hmm" or "Oh" and just let it go. I mean this is a woman who tells me the consistency of her own "eliminations;" so really, I just feel like the quicker I can get her to change the subject the better.

Fast forward to a week later, when my MIL and FIL attended a family wedding and spent some time with my FIL's sister, who happens to be a Pediatric Physician's Assistant. I get this email from her entitled "Consult" that was four or five paragraphs long. I could only imagine what my MIL had told her that prompted her to take that much time to write me an email that choc-full of advice. Advice, I might add, Auntie has given us before (when we actually asked for it) when my son was little. In my mind, my MIL with her little girl voice told Auntie that our "poor" baby couldn't poop and that her DIL didn't even seem to care, etc.

Well, I was furious, and wrote a pretty terse email back to Auntie, basically telling her thanks but shut up and tell my MIL to do the same. Then I felt bad, because it wasn't Auntie's fault. I LOVE Auntie. Luckily, it turned out that Auntie realized that I never asked for the advice, which my MIL insisted that I needed, and she apologized for not asking first. So, to make a long story short, I am extremely angry about this, and I so want to call her on this! Not only did she go and talk about me and my family behind our backs, making it sound like we were not being good parents. But she also went off, half informed, not knowing that we were already in the process of "curing" the situation.

My mom says to let this one go. My husband say's I'm overreacting. And I guess, since Auntie knows that I am mad, and agrees with me, I should feel that I have won in some small way. But I still want my MIL to know that she was in the wrong. Well, at least I have the catharsis of blogging about it.

Apron Strings

My MIL visited us this weekend and brought her own apron. Is that weird?

Transferrence

I was very nervous about our most recent family vacation. This time, the whole family was on a cruise. I have never been on a cruise and so did not know what to expect. However, based on history, I did know to expect "adjoining rooms." I'd heard that rooms on a boat were SMALL and adjoining those would probably be, at the very least, uncomfortable. Finally, because we have two children, and the rooms only allow three people, one child would have to stay a room with my in-laws. They chose the baby as opposed to the eight year old. At first, this annoyed me, but as the trip approached and my daughter started having nightmares, I sleepily decided, "You want her, you got her."

I spent the weeks prior to the trip imagining spending every waking minute with my in-laws in cramped spaces. If you can imagine a prison on a boat, well, that is kind of what I was picturing. But as always, my fears are much worse than the reality. Here is the reality.

First of all, we got balcony room upgrades. Because of this, our rooms were actually not exceedingly tiny. This made it possible for us to go out on the balcony to watch the ocean and the shore pass us by when kids were napping or when we just wanted some peace.

Next, we were actually adjoined with the room of my BIL, SIL and my nephew. This made nap-time easier much of the time and let us spend a little extra time with my adorable nephew. Also, it was my BIL who walked in on me and my DH having sex and not my MIL, which I guess is a little less embarrassing.... a little.

Because of the three person rule, my kids took turns sleeping with my MIL and FIL, which actually worked out really well for them and us. The baby had no nightmares, and my in-laws got to spend equal time with my kids.

There were a total of 14 family members on the boat, half of which were of the older generation. Because of this, we actually did not see a lot of my in-laws on the boat most of the time. We saw them for some meals and on a few shore excursions, but usually, we were simply ships passing in the night.

But the BEST part of the whole trip (not counting the beautiful scenery, the fun cruise atmosphere, the food, blah, blah, blah) was listening to my SIL complain about my MIL. This has never happened before in the history or our relationship, and I had always assumed that it would after she had a baby. I waited and waited, and it finally came. Not that I am delighted by her annoyance...O.K. maybe a little bit...but this new dynamic makes ME the rational and wise daughter-in-law, which is totally hilarious and ironic. It was great to have her come to me for advice or to ask, "Has this ever happened to you?" I am an only child, and she is the only sister that I will ever have, so I enjoyed this chit-chat for two reasons. I never took my MIL's side in these discussions, but I did offer suggestions of how to deal with and/or let go certain issues. And every time my SIL came out with something, I commiserated and then felt a little piece of angst float off of my body and blow away into the ocean breeze.

Next year is my daughter's golden birthday, so we can look forward to another mandated family vacation in the summer of 2012. It will be interesting to check back in a year to see how my SIL and MIL are getting on. But in the meantime, I'm sure that there will be SOMETHING to post about!

Dr. MIL

The inlaws visited last week, and unfortunately, their visit timed exactly with summer colds of both of our children. Now, the inlaws have bronchitis and fevers and runny noses. I feel really bad about it. I know being sick sucks, and it sucks even more to KNOW for a fact that it was my house and family that made them sick! Here is the good news is, they will be over it by the time we do our annual "whole fam-damnly vacation" in the next month. Oh yes, dear readers, it is another MIL planned full-family expedition! This time, we are confined on a boat for a week! Hurray...

Well, the colds have freaked my MIL out and so she sent an email plea to me and my SIL that begged us to "maybe ask if the children could be put on any vitamins to help them fight off things." My MIL is a big believer in vitamins and bottled water as opposed to tap water and airborne (even though it was proven not to do anything).. She continues, " I know some doctors say that vitamins just get peed out--but I believe something hangs in there to help the defense system--especially with the flying and being around large numbers of persons soon." She goes on to say that she will be "DELIGHTED" to PAY for said vitamins, so what do we have to lose?

Once upon a time, she sent me vitamins in the mail because I wasn't giving my son vitamins after his pediatrician told me that I was paying for expensive pee. But apparently what she "believes" is worth far more than a medical degree or even a nutritionist license. I guess it is the same with religion. She believes what has not been proven! She's a believer, I'm a skeptic... Can this relationship be saved?

As I mature, I find these things more amusing than frustrating, so I will let her pay for expensive pee. Why not? It will make her happy and it really doesn't make any difference to me one way or the other.

Forwarded Emails from your MIL

I receive about three forwarded emails from my MIL each day. I usually don't even read them as most have either a religious message or cute cartoon puppy dogs dancing. None of this is worth my time. Today I received one such email, however I did read it. I shouldn't have, but I did. And of course, dear readers, I could not let it go. Here is the email without the colors and the bold font...

"The ball of dung keeps getting bigger.............
Apparently they think that putting hearts and butterflies on the new stamp will make most people not realize that the rest is Arabic and probably not something we want to support.

USPS New 44-Cent Stamp Celebrates a Muslim holiday.
If there is only ONE thing you forward today.. let it be this!

President Obama has directed the United States Postal Service to REMEMBER and HONOR the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a new commemorative 44-Cent First Class Holiday Postage Stamp.

REMEMBER to adamantly & vocally BOYCOTT this stamp, when you are purchasing your stamps at the post office.

All you have to say is "No thank you, I do not want that Muslim Stamp on my letters!"

Pass this along to every Patriotic American that you know and get the word out!

Honor the United States of America !"

Ahem. So Rather than forward the email as instructed I replied to all, which included every family member with email and all of her friends:

"I totally disagree with this email and am offended to receive it. One of my son's best friends is Muslim. I think it is unAmerican and unChristian to be this closed minded about other people's beliefs and religions. This country was founded on religious freedom and diversity. I would appreciate it if we all remembered that instead of the fear that we feel toward a select few Muslims."

Do you think she will even mention my reply? Do you think I will be included on future mass emails?
Only time will tell.

Oh, and guess which stamps are going on my Christmas Cards next year!

A Conversation about Windows

So this weekend, my MIL "cleaned" my windows. I looked over at the windows, full of streaks and loopy marks and this is the conversation that ensued:

MILLY: "What happened to my windows."

MIL: "Oh, I tried to clean them, but I couldn't find the paper towels, so I used a napkin."

MILLY: "But I cleaned them when me moved in last week."

MIL: "Oh, well I didn't know if they were dirty or not."

MILLY: "They are dirty now!"

MIL: "Well, you're so busy, I just assumed that they needed cleaned."

MILLY: "But they AREN'T clean and they WERE clean."

MIL: "Well, I can clean them again."

MILLY: "Yes. Yes you will. Please do not clean my house unless I ask. It upsets me."

Milly stomps out the door.

...and scene.