Mother In Law Survival Blog

Family Gossip

2011-09-25T09:49:00.003-04:00

Ok. I'll admit it. Sometimes, I overreact. But you know what, I don't care. If my first impulse is to overreact, well then, that is an organic response. It's not like I work myself up into overreacting. That is just wrong. Such is the case with the newest installment of "Guess what my Mother In Law Did this Time!"

A couple of weeks ago, I went away for two days to a conference. (Which was FABULOUS!) In my absence, my in-laws decided to come and "help" my husband with the kids. I didn't care. For the most part, I wasn't here. Well, during that time, my MIL noticed that my 2-year-old daughter was having some...let's say "elimination"... issues. Now, my husband and I are totally aware of the issues, and have discussed them with our pediatrician. Our son had similar issues when he was a toddler, so we are no spring chickens regarding the situation. When I got home from my conference, all seemed fine. My MIL mentioned the elimination problem to me, to which I replied with something pithy like; "Hmm" or "Oh" and just let it go. I mean this is a woman who tells me the consistency of her own "eliminations;" so really, I just feel like the quicker I can get her to change the subject the better.

Fast forward to a week later, when my MIL and FIL attended a family wedding and spent some time with my FIL's sister, who happens to be a Pediatric Physician's Assistant. I get this email from her entitled "Consult" that was four or five paragraphs long. I could only imagine what my MIL had told her that prompted her to take that much time to write me an email that choc-full of advice. Advice, I might add, Auntie has given us before (when we actually asked for it) when my son was little. In my mind, my MIL with her little girl voice told Auntie that our "poor" baby couldn't poop and that her DIL didn't even seem to care, etc.

Well, I was furious, and wrote a pretty terse email back to Auntie, basically telling her thanks but shut up and tell my MIL to do the same. Then I felt bad, because it wasn't Auntie's fault. I LOVE Auntie. Luckily, it turned out that Auntie realized that I never asked for the advice, which my MIL insisted that I needed, and she apologized for not asking first. So, to make a long story short, I am extremely angry about this, and I so want to call her on this! Not only did she go and talk about me and my family behind our backs, making it sound like we were not being good parents. But she also went off, half informed, not knowing that we were already in the process of "curing" the situation.

My mom says to let this one go. My husband say's I'm overreacting. And I guess, since Auntie knows that I am mad, and agrees with me, I should feel that I have won in some small way. But I still want my MIL to know that she was in the wrong. Well, at least I have the catharsis of blogging about it.

Apron Strings

2011-09-12T09:50:00.000-04:00

My MIL visited us this weekend and brought her own apron. Is that weird?

Transferrence

2011-08-09T10:23:00.003-04:00

I was very nervous about our most recent family vacation. This time, the whole family was on a cruise. I have never been on a cruise and so did not know what to expect. However, based on history, I did know to expect "adjoining rooms." I'd heard that rooms on a boat were SMALL and adjoining those would probably be, at the very least, uncomfortable. Finally, because we have two children, and the rooms only allow three people, one child would have to stay a room with my in-laws. They chose the baby as opposed to the eight year old. At first, this annoyed me, but as the trip approached and my daughter started having nightmares, I sleepily decided, "You want her, you got her."

I spent the weeks prior to the trip imagining spending every waking minute with my in-laws in cramped spaces. If you can imagine a prison on a boat, well, that is kind of what I was picturing. But as always, my fears are much worse than the reality. Here is the reality.

First of all, we got balcony room upgrades. Because of this, our rooms were actually not exceedingly tiny. This made it possible for us to go out on the balcony to watch the ocean and the shore pass us by when kids were napping or when we just wanted some peace.

Next, we were actually adjoined with the room of my BIL, SIL and my nephew. This made nap-time easier much of the time and let us spend a little extra time with my adorable nephew. Also, it was my BIL who walked in on me and my DH having sex and not my MIL, which I guess is a little less embarrassing.... a little.

Because of the three person rule, my kids took turns sleeping with my MIL and FIL, which actually worked out really well for them and us. The baby had no nightmares, and my in-laws got to spend equal time with my kids.

There were a total of 14 family members on the boat, half of which were of the older generation. Because of this, we actually did not see a lot of my in-laws on the boat most of the time. We saw them for some meals and on a few shore excursions, but usually, we were simply ships passing in the night.

But the BEST part of the whole trip (not counting the beautiful scenery, the fun cruise atmosphere, the food, blah, blah, blah) was listening to my SIL complain about my MIL. This has never happened before in the history or our relationship, and I had always assumed that it would after she had a baby. I waited and waited, and it finally came. Not that I am delighted by her annoyance...O.K. maybe a little bit...but this new dynamic makes ME the rational and wise daughter-in-law, which is totally hilarious and ironic. It was great to have her come to me for advice or to ask, "Has this ever happened to you?" I am an only child, and she is the only sister that I will ever have, so I enjoyed this chit-chat for two reasons. I never took my MIL's side in these discussions, but I did offer suggestions of how to deal with and/or let go certain issues. And every time my SIL came out with something, I commiserated and then felt a little piece of angst float off of my body and blow away into the ocean breeze.

Next year is my daughter's golden birthday, so we can look forward to another mandated family vacation in the summer of 2012. It will be interesting to check back in a year to see how my SIL and MIL are getting on. But in the meantime, I'm sure that there will be SOMETHING to post about!

Dr. MIL

2011-06-29T00:40:00.002-04:00

The inlaws visited last week, and unfortunately, their visit timed exactly with summer colds of both of our children. Now, the inlaws have bronchitis and fevers and runny noses. I feel really bad about it. I know being sick sucks, and it sucks even more to KNOW for a fact that it was my house and family that made them sick! Here is the good news is, they will be over it by the time we do our annual "whole fam-damnly vacation" in the next month. Oh yes, dear readers, it is another MIL planned full-family expedition! This time, we are confined on a boat for a week! Hurray...

Well, the colds have freaked my MIL out and so she sent an email plea to me and my SIL that begged us to "maybe ask if the children could be put on any vitamins to help them fight off things." My MIL is a big believer in vitamins and bottled water as opposed to tap water and airborne (even though it was proven not to do anything).. She continues, " I know some doctors say that vitamins just get peed out--but I believe something hangs in there to help the defense system--especially with the flying and being around large numbers of persons soon." She goes on to say that she will be "DELIGHTED" to PAY for said vitamins, so what do we have to lose?

Once upon a time, she sent me vitamins in the mail because I wasn't giving my son vitamins after his pediatrician told me that I was paying for expensive pee. But apparently what she "believes" is worth far more than a medical degree or even a nutritionist license. I guess it is the same with religion. She believes what has not been proven! She's a believer, I'm a skeptic... Can this relationship be saved?

As I mature, I find these things more amusing than frustrating, so I will let her pay for expensive pee. Why not? It will make her happy and it really doesn't make any difference to me one way or the other.

Forwarded Emails from your MIL

2011-03-29T22:47:00.004-04:00

I receive about three forwarded emails from my MIL each day. I usually don't even read them as most have either a religious message or cute cartoon puppy dogs dancing. None of this is worth my time. Today I received one such email, however I did read it. I shouldn't have, but I did. And of course, dear readers, I could not let it go. Here is the email without the colors and the bold font...

"The ball of dung keeps getting bigger.............
Apparently they think that putting hearts and butterflies on the new stamp will make most people not realize that the rest is Arabic and probably not something we want to support.

USPS New 44-Cent Stamp Celebrates a Muslim holiday.
If there is only ONE thing you forward today.. let it be this!

President Obama has directed the United States Postal Service to REMEMBER and HONOR the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a new commemorative 44-Cent First Class Holiday Postage Stamp.

REMEMBER to adamantly & vocally BOYCOTT this stamp, when you are purchasing your stamps at the post office.

All you have to say is "No thank you, I do not want that Muslim Stamp on my letters!"

Pass this along to every Patriotic American that you know and get the word out!

Honor the United States of America !"

Ahem. So Rather than forward the email as instructed I replied to all, which included every family member with email and all of her friends:

"I totally disagree with this email and am offended to receive it. One of my son's best friends is Muslim. I think it is unAmerican and unChristian to be this closed minded about other people's beliefs and religions. This country was founded on religious freedom and diversity. I would appreciate it if we all remembered that instead of the fear that we feel toward a select few Muslims."

Do you think she will even mention my reply? Do you think I will be included on future mass emails?
Only time will tell.

Oh, and guess which stamps are going on my Christmas Cards next year!

A Conversation about Windows

2011-02-15T15:31:00.003-05:00

So this weekend, my MIL "cleaned" my windows. I looked over at the windows, full of streaks and loopy marks and this is the conversation that ensued:

MILLY: "What happened to my windows."

MIL: "Oh, I tried to clean them, but I couldn't find the paper towels, so I used a napkin."

MILLY: "But I cleaned them when me moved in last week."

MIL: "Oh, well I didn't know if they were dirty or not."

MILLY: "They are dirty now!"

MIL: "Well, you're so busy, I just assumed that they needed cleaned."

MILLY: "But they AREN'T clean and they WERE clean."

MIL: "Well, I can clean them again."

MILLY: "Yes. Yes you will. Please do not clean my house unless I ask. It upsets me."

Milly stomps out the door.

...and scene.

I'm Writing a Book

2011-01-19T15:38:00.004-05:00

After three years of working on this blog, I have finally decided to jump in with both feet and write a book about the MIL/DIL relationship. From stories that some of you have submitted (I'll email you personally for permission to use them)to interviews that I have yet to conduct, I hope to write a book that presents a variety of true stories from women all over the world about their own MIL/DIL experiences. These combined stories will serve as a source of comfort, humor, empathy and support for every woman that deals with their own complex MIL/DIL relationship on a daily basis.

Working title is: Mother in Law Wars: True Stories from the Trenches.

Wish me luck!

Christmas Jammies and Beige Turtlenecks

2010-12-28T15:51:00.002-05:00

Each Christmas Eve, I let my children open one present, new footie jammies. They wear them that night, and then all the pictures in the morning feature them in their adorable Christmas-themed pajamas. This year, we were celebrating Christmas with my BIL and SIL in their mountain condo. MIL and FIL were also in attendance.

Prior to this event, I contacted my SIL and BIL to inform them of my X-mas Eve tradition, and let them know that I bought my nephew a pair too. (BIL and SIL had no problem with this as they are just starting to figure out what their holiday traditions are). It should be noted that I very carefully picked out these pajamas; it is not just something that I throw in the cart at 5 am on the day after Thanksgiving.

So imagine my dismay when on Christmas Eve, my MIL announced that she had gifts for everyone to open before bed-time. Well, I knew what it was, and even though I was upset, I did not show it. After all, I did not inform HER of my purchases, because I didn't think about it. It was my own fault, right? And so, I let the kids open the gifts with a smile.

Keep in mind, she said there were gifts for EVERYONE, so even the grownup kids got to open something. Many years ago, before my DH and I had children, I spent Christmas with my in-laws. My DH made sure that on Christmas Eve I received a Christmas-themed nightgown, which had been a tradition of mine from my own childhood. It was very sweet of him to try to make that first Christmas without my parents as special as possible. My MIL was part of this exchange, and so I assumed that she remembered, and that was why she went and purchased the PJs for all of us. When it was go-time, we all tore into our gifts, paper flying. Yes, the kids all got new pajamas, although not Christmas-themed (but I am aware that I am being picky here). Also, my husband and my BIL received new pajama pants. Now, dear reader, I am pretty sure that you have already guessed that I did not get my pajamas, and neither did my SIL. This would have been totally fine with me had not everyone else received them. I am, after all, an adult with kids now! However, the matching beige turtlenecks that my SIL and I did open really seemed to be more of an afterthought than a real Christmas Eve gift.

Make no mistake, I have no problem with a turtleneck. It's winter, I want to keep warm. But what does it really say to us when our MIL took the time to purchase something for everyone but us. To me, it said two things. 1) Oh, yeah, I guess I should get you something too, so it doesn't look like I forgot to buy you something to open on Christmas Eve and 2) I regard you both as the same person, so I will give you both the same uninteresting gift.

Am I being a bitch here? I don't know. But, honestly I kind of felt hurt by this minor event. Not only did she steal my Christmas PJ thunder, and consequently "ruin" my morning pictures of all three kids in semi-matching jammies, but she also made it abundantly clear that my SIL and I are simply set dressing in her otherwise perfect family.

A funny post-script to this is that both babies, my daughter and nephew, had leaky diapers in the middle of the night, thereby rendering the new pajamas useless on Christmas morning. Interesting...

Be on Reality TV with your MIL!

2010-12-28T15:46:00.003-05:00

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Happy Holidays!

2010-12-24T16:51:00.001-05:00

I am being extremely bold! My MIL is in the room! Will post about Christmas with my MIL in the next couple of days!

Happy Holidays from Milly!

Move it!

2010-11-22T11:47:00.003-05:00

We are moving. We are moving far away from my family and very close to my DH's family. By very close, I mean a seven hour drive. Compared to our current 1,300 miles, this is VERY close. If it isn't already scary enough to pick up and relocate to a small town where we know nobody and are worried that we won't fit in; it is doubly scarey to know that my MIL could call on a Thursday and say, "We are going to come and see you this weekend. I miss the grandkids."

To make matters worse, my own mother is barely speaking to me. Even though she has known the plan for years was to move back to where me and my DH met and fell in love, she had decided to play Scarlett O'Hara and "think about that tomorrow." Well, when tomorrow came, it was as if I had personally ripped her heart out of her chest and stomped on it right before her eyes, just for fun.

The joy of the new job and the exciting prospects of tomorrow are almost completely overshadowed by the OVER Anxious MIL and the GUILT machine Mother. Here I am in the middle, trying to convince my 8-year old son that this is going to be GREAT and trying not to let my husband see me cry. I keep myself busy packing, cleaning, and prepping. I convince my mother that the house WILL sell, all the while worried sick that it will not. I continue to put on my brave face for everyone who asks about the move, which occurs roughly 7 times per day, every day. "Oh it is so beautiful there!" (I haven't even seen the town in 15 years, and that was once) "We are really excited!" (And terrified). "No, I don't have to work right away, isn't that great!?" (I can't stay home all day, every day with an infant! I'll lose my freakin' mind.), and so it goes.

One thing has been decided. No matter where we end up living in our new town, (have I mentioned that we have no idea where we will live?) the first priority is to either add on or finish an area of the house that is exclusively for in-laws and/or guests that does not interfere with day to day life. There will be no more shuffling sleeping children, or pulling out couches, or orchestrating shower times. An in-law suite will be a MUST because I anticipate the in-laws from BOTH sides will come-a-callin' more than I ever imagined.

The RV Report!

2010-10-13T09:22:00.003-04:00

Hello faithful readers! I know many of you could not wait for the full report of the RV in our driveway. Here is how it all went down.

Friday, on my way to pick up my son from after-care, I get the call from my DH.

"It's big."

"What do you mean, big?"

"Like...Big."

"Like a bus, big?"

"Yeah, like a bus big."

Internal panic ensues. I continue on my way to pick up my son. Our conversations goes like this,

"Daddy says it's really big."

"I'm nervous."

"Me too."

"My belly tickles."

"Mine too."

So as we are driving toward our house, my son decided to close his eyes and I am to tell him when we get there for the reveal. I oblige him. I turn the corner and see it, in all it's majestic bigness sitting half on our driveway and half on our grass, only about two feet away from our neighbor's house, encroaching on his property.

"Open your eyes."

"WOW! COOL!"

Cool indeed. If by "cool" you mean, it's cool to have a big honking bus in your yard occupied by your inlaws. I later find out that not only did they have to cut down a few branches on our tree in the front yard to back it into the driveway, but they also have hooked it up to our garden hose and our electricity as they planned to fully use the vessel for showers, bathroom usage and refrigerator usage, as if our yard is indeed an RV park.

Not enough fun for you? Well, the next day, we all drove the big honking bus down to Columbus for some shopping. Yes, we drove it to the upscale Easton Town Center, and even visited Tiffany & Co. Nothing says class like arriving to Tiffany's in a rented RV that has a 1-800 number splashed on its side.

My DH and FIL did all of the driving and were quick to point out what a smooth ride it was. Well, that was because they were up in front. We, in the belly of the beast, were bouncing all around like jumping beans. Oh, and then there was the slamming of the breaks at a red light that happened right at the beginning of our journey. Stuff went flying EVERYWHERE. (FYI, RVs are not meant to come to quick stops.)

In all, the RV was in our driveway for 4 1/2 days. It only left its spot for our great Columbus trip, and it wasn't THAT bad of an experience. They weren't in our house in the morning. Me and my DH were still able to "do it" since they were not in the next room. Baby slept in her own room, and there was never a fight for the shower. MIL even took all of my Redneck jokes pretty well. That being said, I still wouldn't recommend it, and the REAL silver lining in all of this is that after the trial run, my MIL has decided that she DOES NOT want to buy one for herself. Phew!

Presenting: Another One of my MIL's KOOKY Ideas!

2010-09-13T17:38:00.003-04:00

"...and that way, we won't have to sleep in the baby's room!"

Now, you can come up with a slew of different ways to begin this sentence. Rational, logical ideas. I'm sure the first thing that would come to your mind is, "We'll just get a hotel room..." or even the less appealing, "We can sleep in your basement..." Both of which I have heard before from my MIL. But this one takes the cake.

"When we get there, I was thinking that we could rent an RV and then we can stay in your driveway..."

WHAT?! Even my FIL thinks she's crazy with this one, but she is going full steam ahead. She has contacted RV dealers/renters and is extremely excited about the possibility of vacationing in my side yard.

After hearing this plan, my friend Megan told me that all she can think about is the scene from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, in which Randy Quaid's character tells Clark, "Shitter was full!" when he is emptying the RV's toilet into the sewer.

If this does come to fruition, I promise a lengthy post about how this situation went down! (Stay tuned in Mid-October for that one!)

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

2010-04-28T11:18:00.004-04:00

There is a family wedding this summer. (Isn't there always?) Since the cost of flying seems to be getting out of hand, not to mention that I hate flying, my DH and I thought that maybe the family would take Amtrak to the wedding. We did a bit of research online just to get an idea of what to expect, but that is as far as the query went.

So yesterday, DH was on the phone with his mother. Apparently, he casually mentioned that we may take the train to the wedding. Two hours later, as we were eating dinner, my MIL calls FROM HER LOCAL TRAIN STATION trying to make us commit to travel plans. "I'm standing here at the train station and the woman here says..."

Of course, I am not on the phone with her during this call, but I am tersely coaching my DH on what to say. "Tell her we don't need a travel agent." "Tell her that we are grown-ups and can do this ourselves." "Tell her to get in her car and go home and mind her own business."

While my DH did get her to cease and desist the operation, I have to say, I was not at all happy with how it was handled. What is it with sons and their mothers? Why can't they just say to their mothers (as I do to mine all the time) "Mom, STOP, you are being annoying?" Why could he not tell her that she was overstepping her bounds. Why could he not say, "Mom, I know you are excited and want to help, but there are many factors that we need to take into consideration, and this is just not the time to do this. We'll let you know what our final travel plans are when they are made?" And WHY does SHE think this is acceptable?

I make a vow to my future DIL, whomever she may be. DIL, I promise that I will not only wear beige and keep my effing mouth shut at your wedding, but throughout your marriage. I promise not to treat my son and/or you like a child once you are married, and I further promise not to try to manipulate any situation to get my way. Finally, if I do break these promises, you are well within your rights to tell me off and to write a scathing blog about what an annoying MIL I am.
Love, Milly.

Post: Cards from the Edge

2010-01-12T11:23:00.004-05:00

I have a couple of things to post about!

First of all, my SIL is having contractions right at this very minute! I'm going to be an aunt! Rock on!

Second, my son received his 7th annual Baptismal Birthday Card yesterday. OMG, if there was ever any doubt, this confirmed it. MIL is sending these cards every year just to be a passive aggressive pain in my ass. (More on that below)

Third, the whole fam-damn-ly is meeting for another "vacation/get together" this spring and MIL and FIL are paying, which means...wait for it.... ADJOINING ROOMS!

Ok, back to number 2.

I have really been feeling lately, that it might be time to give the blog over to my SIL. I felt that I had been making great strides at getting along with my MIL. I even handled a prolonged visit from them over the holidays with very little stress or angst. I sort of took her side in an email to my SIL, recently. I went shopping with her and had a great time, and I accepted number three above without even a little tiny bit of resentment.

Well, not so fast, Milly. Yesterday, my son received his card in the mail. On the front, a golden cross, and inside the gushing words about the special day that he was baptised in her church and how it is his birthday in Christ, etc. Now, in years past, I have had no one to blame but myself for not putting a stop to these cards or at least responding to them. Since my MIL and I do not discuss politics or religion or society in general, I had never said flat out to her, "I do not believe that his baptism is getting him into heaven!" or "I am sorry I ever let that whole thing happen." However, once she attended our daughter's dedication at our Unitarian, non christian church, I thought she finally got it, without us having to actually discuss it! And she may have, but in order for her to let ME know how she feels about that whole thing, that stupid card came in the mail yesterday.

My son, still not knowing what a baptism really is, seemed confused when he got it (as he is every year). So I told him it was sort of like his sister's dedication, but it was more of a Jesus thing. "Oh," was his response as he put the card down and returned to the graphic novel he is writing about Star Wars. Not that I don't think Jesus was a good guy. I am in favor of all those past and present who advocate for peace and understanding. Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, Mandela, the Dalai lama: all swell guys in my book. However, her sending this card to a child that she knows does not care, just so his Mother will read it (Did I mention she wrote in cursive, so I HAD to read it out loud to him?) for the 7th year in a row is ridiculous. Let it go woman!

LET IT GO!

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

2009-12-10T10:45:00.002-05:00

This Christmas will be in-law free. Sigh. New Years, however, will not. At first, I was OK with the plan: They would spend Christmas with my BIL and SIL who are expecting their first child in early January, fly from their house to our house for a week, then back to BIL and SIL. (Side note: SIL is freaking out that MIL will be there for the birth of the baby. Picture my evil smile here. ) It all sounds perfect, especially now that they have set the precedent of staying in a hotel while with us. Fa la la, the holidays will be merry. Then:

DH: Honey, don't be mad.

ME: What? Pause. Whaaaaat?

DH: Mom said that since the plane ticket is so much for them to come during the holidays, they are going to get us an air mattress for Christmas so they can stay at our house. She said they could sleep in the basement.

Are you freakin' kidding me? Now, let me fill you in on some details here. 1) We already own an air mattress, but it is a low to the ground one, primarily used for camping. 2) We have a roll-away bed in the baby's room, which was formerly the office/guest room. 3) Our basement is unfinished and unheated. 4) Our house is not terribly large, and seems even smaller as it is filled with, a baby swing, 2 bouncy chairs, a Bumboo seat, a Pack and Play, a Boppy pillow, a car seat, a booster seat, one dog with dog bed, 1 seven year old with 10,000 Legos, two Christmas trees, tons of Christmas presents and a partridge in a pear tree.

As you may have guessed, I did not heed my DH's advice and proceeded to get mad, or at least annoyed. It was SO perfect when they stayed elsewhere, but I knew in my heart of hearts that it was just too good to be true.

I called my MIL yesterday and informed her that she would NOT be buying us an air mattress, that we would move the crib out of the baby's room and into our room and they could stay on the hide-a-bed they have grown accustomed to. I then told her that I was not pleased with her little, "We'll just sleep in the basement," business, because she knows that if we made them do that, I would look bad when she reported back to all of her friends. (Yeah, I'm not keeping quiet about this crap anymore.) Of course she denys this and actually stated, "Oh, it wouldn't be too cold, we'll just cuddle." Yuck.

End result: They will be staying with us in our cramped house for 5 nights (and 5 mornings, which is the part that I really can't stand) and the dream of them always staying at a hotel when visiting, I think, is gone forever.

The silver lining is that I know my SIL has it worse. That being said, I do NOT wish for her to have to deal with MIL when the baby is born. I'm not a monster. I am hoping that the little guy will be a late-comer forcing the in-laws to drive the long trip home from BIL/SIL's house and come back to meet the baby at a socially acceptable time. I get to meet him in March, and I can't wait!

The Blog About Nothing

2009-10-30T09:06:00.003-04:00

It's been a while.

In August, I had a beautiful baby girl. It's hard to believe that she is almost 3 months old! In Mother-In-Law news, there is little to report. The In-Laws only saw my daughter for the first time a couple of weeks ago. They stayed for a week, but this time, in a hotel. This seems to have made all the difference in the world. Even the church Dedication (not a Baptism) did not really produce any angst. She slipped once, calling it a Baptism, but when I corrected her, she said, "Oh, I know, it's not a baptism. Dedication." And there was no tone in that statement.

When they left, I said to my DH, "Damn! I don't have anything to blog about!"

"Yes," he said. "I'm sorry my mother was not annoying enough for you to write about her."

Sure she did some of the things that I think are amusingly annoying, but nothing that made me feel threatened, angry, or sad.

I think she might be moving on to my SIL though. At five months pregnant, she has been starting to get the guilt trips about how they never talk to them.

Maybe, the birth of my second child has truly made me more zen and able to handle little annoyances with more maturity.

OK, I doubt it too. But it's a thought!

My SIL is PREGNANT!

2009-07-06T12:43:00.000-04:00

And there was MUCH rejoicing!

My Imperfect Offspring

2009-07-03T10:45:00.002-04:00

My son was born with a hemangioma on his hand, which is basically a bright red birthmark that fades over time. It should be completely gone by age 10. Indeed, it is extremely light right now, at age 6. It's not a big deal, and we don't really think about it. My son never talks about it, or feels bad for having it, or says he is embarrassed by it. Every once and a while, someone who doesn't know us will ask me "What's wrong with his hand?" to which my maternal instincts kick in and I think immediately, "Nothing, what's wrong with your manners?" I mean really, what's WRONG with his hand? It's not leprosy, it's a tiny cluster of pink bumps by his thumb. People really need to learn how to choose their words, don't they?

The only time the hemangioma ever really comes up is when we spend time with my MIL. She is staying with us this week and has already made it a point to say, "His birthmark is almost gone!" This is when my son suddenly get self conscious about it. A little background...

The first time she met my son at 1 month old, one of her first questions was, "What's wrong with his hand?" (love it!). Later on in his life, maybe at age 2, we were visiting my husband's family out west and someone asked, "What's wrong with his hand?" to which she replied in her sing-songy voice, "Oh it's a birth defect." I was floored. "Excuse me!" I said, "It is not a birth DEFECT, it is a birth MARK." She replied, "Right, same thing." I am sure she didn't mean to sound like a total insensitive bitch, but I have never forgotten that statement (my mom says I'm a grudge holder) and found it extremely telling. She does seem to mention the progress of the thing every time she sees my son, but only once.

So back to yesterday, as I am extremely pregnant, and trying to be nice, I asked my MIL to help my son with his bath yesterday. She was very happy to do so, and I got out of taking her with me to the grocery store, which is one of my LEAST favorite things to do with her. When I returned, she told my son, "Tell your mom what we discovered!" My son shows me his hand. I don't get it. "It's almost gone, I can't even see it anymore!" Then my son starts whining about how he doesn't like his birthmark because people "always" ask him if it's a rash. This is the first I've heard of this, and I imagine it's slightly exaggerated due to my MIL's talk about it and his extreme fatigue. I said as snottily as I could, while still trying to sound like an adult I said in MIL's direction, "You know, it is no big deal, we never even really notice or talk about it." Then I told my son, "You know it's just a silly birthmark, and it's one of the things that makes you special."

So really what the hell? Does anyone else have a similar story about the imperfection of their child according to your MIL? Is it your fault? Should I slap her?!

The Golden Birthday Rears its Ugly Head Again

2009-05-20T08:52:00.003-04:00

I don't know if this should go under Responses to Crazy Talk or if it should go under the Top 10 Things My MIL does that I Find Amusing, but I thought I'd share this funny sound-bite from my MIL. Last night we were on the phone. I was lamenting that my OBGYN will be on vacation between August 1 and 12 (I'm due on the 8th), so I will probably have a different doctor delivering our baby girl. I then proceeded to tell her that I am aiming for July 31st so I can still have my doctor as well as get it over with. It's sort of a joke, but based on my son's arrival date vs. his due date, it might not be too far off. Here's what she said:

"Well I have to be honest, I really want her to be born at the beginning of the month because we went to Disney World for [my son's] golden birthday, you know 6 years-old on the 6th and if she is born on the 31st, I'll be dead and buried for her golden birthday."

Silence from me. I mean really, what do I say to that? Silence was long and began to get awkward.

"Oh well, we can do something else, it's not that important, really."

The funny thing is, it is EXTREMELY important to her. Golden Birthday is the most important made up celebration of a life that she observes! Of course, while doing the dishes later I came up with a ton of funny and/or snarky comebacks, but in the moment all I did was laugh silently to myself, roll my eyes and wait for her to change the subject. Which she did when she began to tell me all about a person I did not know for roughly 10 minutes.

"I'm Just so Much Better with Boys"

2009-04-21T09:13:00.004-04:00

No, my MIL did not say this, however after our last visit, it was certainly implied. My own grandmother (the MIL of my mother) did say this when I was born. So I have certainly grown up with the emotional scars of being loved less by my only grandmother, even though I was the first grandchild, because I was a girl.

On a recent visit to see the In-Laws at Easter, my MIL, who has not seen me since I got myself knocked up, did not even acknowledge my pregnancy until we had been there for about 24 hours. Finally, she asked, "How are you and baby doing?" while at a baseball game and then not again until the day we left when she asked, "Is IT moving?" I think I had my hand on my stomach. That's it! My DH and I gave the In-Laws a framed ultrasound picture and hung it on the wall of the condo for them as a surprise. Her response after finally noticing it 2 days later, "I see our art gallery." No excitement. No questions, nothing. In fact, when we were at the airport to come back home, she asked my son, "When am I going to see you again? I guess you'll be seven." So I can assume she is not coming for the birth of the baby. (Not that THIS upsets me. I just found it weird). Note: she never ONCE mentioned to my son the words, "sister" "big brother" or "baby".

Even on Easter, when the whole family (all of whom I like very much and had a great time with: aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) was doting on me and asking questions about the baby and names and how I was feeling, there was not even a smile from her.

Immediately I went to that horrible place inside where I have insecurity from my own grandmother clearly not loving me as much, and I started to panic. What if my poor baby girl has to grow up like that?! In an effort to calm my fears, my own mother called my MIL (something she never does) just to chat and to get some sort of grip on what I was accusing my MIL of. Every time she brought up, pink, or baby, or girl, my MIL politely answered her question and then immediately changed the subject. Suspicions confirmed!

Something that must be said here is that there have been only three girls born in the last 65 years on my MIL's side of the family. So instead of being ecstatic, perhaps she is feeling scared that she won't know what to do with a girl. (My mom's theory). Other theories include: She wanted her oldest son who doesn't have kids yet to have the first girl (DH's theory), She read this blog (SIL's theory), She doesn't want another MILLY to deal with (Milly's theory). Whatever the reason, I don't' really know how to proceed.

My mom says not to worry until the baby is actually born. I'd love to hear stories from you. Do you have a child that is clearly a favorite of your MIL or clearly not? How do you handle it?

How You Can Tell When Your MIL is Angry with You

2009-03-27T08:42:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time, lets say a month ago, I told my MIL that we would be finding out the sex of the baby in a month's time. To this, she said, "Oh my! Are you going to find out?!" My response (admittedly a little snarky due to her beliefs) "Well, yes. That is why there is science, so we don't have guess at stuff like this anymore." She said, "Well I don't think I want to know and I know your Father in Law doesn't...well, I won't speak for him, but I don't think he will." So I told my husband about this little exchange. He laughed and said, "Well, it's not really their decision is it? I mean, it's not their surprise to keep!" (He's come SO far!).

Fast forward to yesterday. We had our ultrasound. I called my mom and then immediately texted my MIL, SIL and BIL with the news: It's a Girl!

She texted back that it was exciting, but did not call me immediately (which I assumed she would do) and I THINK she avoided my call last night. (And I NEVER call her, so if the call was coming from MY cell phone, she would have been delighted under normal circumstances.) Yup, she's pissed.

Running Score: DIL 7, MIL 10 (I'm catching up!)

A Letter to my MIL--Please post feedback!

2009-03-04T12:49:00.004-05:00

Once again the family will be heading somewhere "fun" with my in-laws. This time, it's Phoenix for Easter. It sounds lovely, especially with the long, cold winter we've had here. Also, because EASTER (which is THE big one to my MIL) will not be on her home turf, I thought initially it might be more manageable. But then I started thinking...."Don't fool yourself Milly! You'll just end up bitter and resentful and seething." So I decided to write a letter that I would mail to my MIL one month before our trip so as to give her time to get over it. I know she'll NEVER mention it to me, but I also know that I will feel much better to finally get all of this off my chest. After all, I'm pregnant. When else can I do something this bold!?

So the letter is below. Your comments and feedback are desperately needed. Please note the transposition of I and we, I cannot decide if it can be just from me or if it has to be from both of us.

Dear [MIL]-

I hope that you are feeling well and getting ready for your big, month-long trip! What fun to tour the countryside visiting old friends and relatives! I'm sure you and [FIL] are really looking forward to it. We are starting to plan for our arrival to Phoenix. I still have to try on my old maternity swim suit to see if it fits yet (since I'm only barely showing). If not, it's off to Target ASAP! The other thing I was planning to do was to get [my son's] Easter basket from the Bunny ready and mailed. I was thinking of mailing it directly to [Jane's] house, so we won't have to pack it, smoosh it, worry about leaking shampoo onto chocolate, etc. I will call [Jane] about it as soon as it is ready to go.

Speaking of Easter, I really need ask you something that is EXTREMELY important to both [DH and myself]. In your various Easter treats and gifts that you get for [my son], can you please try to not over do it on the Jesus books, stickers, and whatnot? Especially anything dealing with the crucifixion, which I think he already gets too much of at his non-Catholic, Catholic school. It is not that we don't want him to know who Jesus was (or says he was), but we need you to know that our church does not recognize Jesus as the Son of God. Instead we are ALL children of God, however we define "him" or "her" or "it". MILLY does not believe in "God." That being said, we do not EVER tell [our son] what to believe. But it is infuriating when others do. [DH and I] see religion is an open ended discussion, always asking [our son] "What do you think?" or saying "Some people believe X and others believe Y" when we talk about it. Yet, when we are not around, [our son] has reported that you have told him several things that we simply don't agree with. The most disturbing being that he cannot celebrate Christmas if he doesn't believe in Jesus. I don't know if you actually said this, but whatever was said, that is what he heard.

Since we are on the subject, and we'd rather get it all out at once, there is another issue. We want you to know that the new baby will NOT be baptised. Our church does a very nice candle lighting ceremony and a recognition at the Christmas Eve service of all the children born throughout the year, noting how each child has the capability to do great things. That is what we have decided to do with this one. I know it may come as a shock, since [our son] was baptised in your church, but you need to understand that that was a huge favor done at a time when Milly was so entirely apathetic, that it meant absolutely nothing to her. Having something done at our church now DOES mean something to both of us. So we will be doing that.

This letter has been a long time coming. For Milly especially, the religious issue causes many sleepless nights and inner turmoil. We are sure that you don't want that kind of negativity, because after all we are a family and we need to love each other and get along regardless of each others' opinions and beliefs. But we thought that if we actually put the words down in writing that maybe you would understand a little and see our point of view.

We respect your beliefs, but need to ask that you do the same for ours. Of course if you want to talk about this, I am always ready to have the discussion. If you want to know more about what I believe I am happy to tell you. But based on the past 12 years, I am pretty sure that you would rather not.

I hope you do not see this letter as a negative, but as a positive step toward better understanding between us all. See you soon and truly looking forward to spending fun in the sun with all of you.

Milly (and DH?)

Fairy God Parents

2009-02-18T13:21:00.003-05:00

Do any of you out there have a great tale to tell about selecting God parents for your children and it NOT being your MIL or any of her ilk? I would love to hear how you handled that!

Currently my husband and I are in talks about who should be the "lucky" rearers of our children should we die together without our children in some horrific accident. Of course the new orphans, who are perfectly wonderful now, will develop emotional scars and require counseling! Who wouldn't want to watch over that? It's so much fun to plan for the future! Now that we are pregnant again, our original choice of my parents isn't quite right anymore. After all, do my parents REALLY want to raise a baby and his brother who is seven years older in their happy golden years of golf and no debt? I know they WOULD do it, but I really don't want them to HAVE to do it. They've done their time.

While my husband's parents really COULDN'T do it due to age and ailments, there is still a slew of people on that side of the family that could. However with each suggestion of relative, it is painfully clear that MIL and FIL, now in retirement, would just pick up and move to wherever and whomever we sent the kids. Thereby making all of her dreams come true, letting her raise the children as she sees fit.

So we've weighed the options and decided to go with a 100% neutral party. We know exactly who we are going to ask. (Maybe that person is reading this blog right now. I hope that person says yes!) But that happy feeling of coming to a decision is laden with guilt. I just can't get out of my mind that the biggest surprise surrounding our untimely passing will not be how or when we died, but to whom we left the kids. I know some of you think, "Oh well, you'll be dead! What do you care?" But I do care. I don't want hard feelings, but I know that it is inevitable. Even in giving a detailed description of how we came to our choice, someone's feelings will get hurt. It sucks.

Does anyone else have ideas or personal stories to share in this realm? Let us know.

Milly Gets Herself Knocked Up Again

2009-01-04T17:21:00.005-05:00

I have told everyone that has ever asked me, "So, are you going to have any more kids?" the following two things: "None of your business!" and "Not until my Sister-in-law has one." Indeed, my MIL is the #1 reason I've waited, followed very closely by I REALLY, REALLY like martinis. So it is with a reserved joy that I announce that I am pregnant again. (My SIL is not!) I mean sure, I'm really happy about it, but as the sole provider of grandchildren to my MIL, I feel a little queasy. Or is that just morning sickness? It will all come again, the baptism fight, the God and Angel board books, the Jesus CD's with horrible racists songs, "Red and Yellow, Black and White...Jesus loves the little children of the world." I just don't know if I have it in me this time. I sense furious rages in my future and worry that I will do an even WORSE job at pretending to be nice to her in front of my children. (I'm not too good at it now, according to my mother, who informed me that I roll my eyes at her and talk to her like she is an idiot in front of my son.)

The good news for you, oh readers of the MIL Survival Blog, is that I will have much more to share, since this blog wasn't started until my son was about five years old. Let the venting begin!

Two, 2, TWO Posts in One!

2008-12-02T09:04:00.005-05:00

The in laws stayed with us for a week (Thanksgiving). Here are two posts to enjoy and to make you feel like you were there!

Oh, We Just Did Whatever the Hell We Wanted Anyway

So, my In-laws were in town. While I was a little freaked out by the amount of time that they would be spending with us (1 whole week in my house!) the blow was softened when they offered to watch our son for the weekend while we went off and did something fun and/or romantic. So, that is just what we did. We went on a little weekend vacation, met some friends and had a wonderful time.

Prior to leaving, I told my MIL that our son wanted to go to our church on Sunday (Which I thought would give me some points). Our favorite service of the year is the Bread-Sharing service in which anyone who wishes to, brings in a bread that means something to their family, talks about why it is special and then shares it with the whole congregation. It could be bagels, Wonder Bread, or great great grandma's coffee cake recipe. And the stories are so great! Since Unitarians don't do communion, this is how we celebrate "community" on Wold Communion Day. It is really a wonderful service, and I was kind of bummed to miss it. But, the fact that my 6 year old son ASKED to go, made me happy. My son also told his grandparents personally that he wanted to go.

So on our way home from our trip, I called to check in and give our ETA. MIL got on the phone and I asked enthusiastically, "Did you like the church service?" Her reply, "Oh, we just couldn't get it together, and the dog was acting crazy and we didn't know how to get there, so we went to the Lutheran Church up the street." I was LIVID! I later found out that my son begged them to go, even though they might be late, saying "People are late for church all the time. I want to go to my church." I am still contemplating an angry letter, because I know she never had any intention of taking him to our church.

Oh and for icing on the cake, since they have left, I have learned that she spent every moment that we were away, cramming her beliefs down my son's throat. He asked me the following questions. "Why does Nana like God so much?" "Nana said we have to pray at night and that I HAVE to fold my hands, but I told her I don't have to." "Nana said I have to believe in Jesus because there wouldn't be Christmas without Jesus." "Do you believe in God?" "Who were the first people?" And so it goes.

On a happy note, my son and I were talking about beliefs. I told him what Nana believes, and what I believe, and what some other people believe about God. I listened with all seriousness when he said he believed that God was a big Head in the sky and that Jesus was a girl. I asked him, "What does our church believe?" and he said, "To be nice and to help people and to have an open mind." So I feel better.

Did I Just Step into 1989?

On the Monday of my In-Laws week-long visit, I came home from work to the following:
My DH playing a video game.
My FIL sitting in our "Dad" chair, reading the paper.
My MIL in MY apron in MY kitchen, cooking.
I wanted to turn around and leave.
My friend said, "I would have been so happy that someone was cooking."
My mother said, "Lighten up."
I wasn't angry so much as felt outnumbered. How dare they fall into these "comfortable patterns" in my house. I felt like an intruder.

Advice for Aymie

2008-11-13T08:59:00.002-05:00

I just got this post and would like to open up the group. Thanks ladies!
--Milly

Need some help here ladies!!!

Background:I am a Canadian girl living in Australia - I moved here with the intention of only staying for 2 years and then moving home, as I moved here on a contract with my employer. I have since fallen in love with a gorgeous Australian man, quit my job, with the intention of living here permanently. We moved from Sydney to Perth in May this year - mainly for a lifestyle change, but also had the opportunity to live in my in-laws house for next to nothing, so that we can save up for our own house. The in-laws do not live there, they live an hour away but visit often. His younger (very lazy and incapable) brother lives in the house as well.

Problem:My partner and I continue to argue about the fact that I have not warmed up to his family, and he has it in his head that I dislike them. I have never once said this, but dislike some of the things they do and say (or don't say). Frankly, they drive me slightly insane, but I can handle them when I get notice of their constant visits and in small doses.They are very quiet and reserved people, and I don't feel they have ever made an attempt to get to know me. I am never asked anything beyond how are you and how is your new job. The first time I met them was in the Sydney airport - I had just got off a 30 hour flight from Canada after being home for 2 weeks, and they didn't ask me anything about my trip or time with my family. So that's the great first impression I got of them!

I am fairly shy and quiet around new people, so when people don't engage me in conversation and are awkward to speak to, I tend to close up and don't know what to say in return. Around people I know and am comfortable with, I'm very chatty and outgoing - you would never know I'm a classic introvert. My partner fully acknowledges that his parents are reserved and don't say a lot, but wants me to act the same around them as I do with him. I've tried explaining to him that I have different approaches to different people depending on their personalities - I think everyone does - but that doesn't seem to sink in.

So my question is...How do I improve the relationship with his parents without being fake?I do want this relationship to work - I love this man! I know that the situation will improve once we're on our own and have some privacy - but I do have to deal with them in the interim as they own the house and therefore set the rules. I understand his perspective that all of this makes him feel uncomfortable and doesn't want to be in the middle. But I also want him to understand my perspective that their personalities are simply awkward to be around. If they made an effort to open up, it wouldn't be so painful.

Happy Birthday Milly!

2008-11-10T15:17:00.002-05:00

This weekend marked the first birthday of Milly (and consequently the Mother In Law Survival Blog). To mark the occasion, I thought I'd throw down some stats.

Over the past year we've had 628 visits from 22 states and 8 countries!
The most popular post to view was: What I Did on my Summer Vacation with my MIL
The most popular post to leave a comment on was: Need Advice?
The number of men who have posted is: 0 (But we've had a lurker or two)

Whether you are a friend of mine, stumbled upon the blog, or actively sought out MIL assistance, I hope that you have benefited a little from our stories and our opinions. Please keep the site going by passing it on to your friends, coworkers, sisters, sisters in law, and anyone else that you think would benefit. It works best if people not only read what is here, but contribute by posting your own thoughts and stories. Just don't pass it on to MY MIL!

Thanks everyone!

Milly

The Delusion of Sameness

2008-10-28T10:24:00.012-04:00

As I have posted before, the religious divide in our family is fairly great. My MIL and FIL are very Lutheran, very churchy, very prayery, and very "God is Love"y. I, however am the polar opposite of this. I believe that everyone is connected, but that "God" does not exist. At least not, God, the Father; or God, the Almighty Ruler of the Universe who plays with us as if we were Barbie dolls; and certainly not the literal GOD as written in the Old Testament. My DH is kind of in the middle, leaning toward my way of thinking but with lingering religious guilt as perpetrated by the strong beliefs of his parents and his upbringing therein.
Of course, we have never actually DISCUSSED these beliefs with my MIL and FIL because my MIL would rather not. She would rather not discuss anything that would cause a confrontation. She is happy to just go on believing with all her heart that we believe what she believes. It seems to make her happy to live with this delusion. If we don't talk about it, it can't be true.
This delusion is now being tested as my son grows up. He is now six years old and brutally honest. He has no tact. He has no diplomacy. So when my MIL asks him, "Do you sing Jesus Loves Me at church?" (We are Unitarians.) He says matter-of-factly, "We never sing about Jesus."
Now, I think that this would be a WONDERFUL opportunity to discuss something. If it were me, I would say, "Oh really? Why not? Does your church not believe that Jesus is the son of God?" especially if I did believe that. But not MIL. She gets as far as "Oh really?" and then clams up. She is probably thinking, "Forget, forget, forget!!!!!!!" There have been similar lost opportunities over the past couple of years, most specifically when the in laws actually attended church with us. I truly believe that if she wasn't so afraid to talk about our differences, I would be much closer to her. But again, it is all too uncomfortable for her.
My friends keep reminding me that I would be so unhappy with the lack of results if I were to try to get the conversation started. They point out that she is not like me, and that I can't change her any more than she can change me.
So this Sunday when my in-laws called, my son announced, "I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed." My MIL responded with, "Don't forget to say your prayers." While this would have been a great time for my son to say something like, "Oh we talked about prayer today in Sunday school. We learned that everyone prays in a different way," (which is true; they did!) our little man said in his annoyed, snotty voice. "We don't do that in this house," and hung up the phone.
I was more annoyed with his tone than with what he said, but my DH seemed a little more upset. Is he feeling guilty and that his Mom might be disappointed in him as a father? Maybe a little, which in turn makes me angry at her.
The good news is that the in-laws are coming in a couple of weeks for a couple of weeks. Now that they are retired, they can come and go as they please. (yay!) Wouldn't it be great if during this visit we really hashed it all out and put an end to this passive aggressive religious non-discussion?
I keep believing with my whole heart that we'll actually talk about it some day, and that she will understand me. I guess that is my delusion.

Top Ten Things my Mother-in-Law Does that I Find Amusing

2008-08-20T15:37:00.002-04:00

I'll start.

10. She pays for things with $2 bills because she thinks it makes her seem "fun" and "quirky".

Who's next?

What I Did on my Summer Vacation (with my Mother-in-Law)

2008-08-13T14:02:00.005-04:00

Day One (Arrival and Magic Kingdom):

Not much to report for only a half day in WDW. The presence of my BIL and SIL takes a lot of the pressure off! I’ll be sorry to see them go on Monday. One fun fact: Last Tuesday, I called the hotel to make sure that our rooms were NOT ADJOINED. Well, we were. So I unadjoined them, making sure to point out that we could be next door, or across the hall or on the same floor, just not adjoining please. Well, they put us in a whole other complex. My DH was a bit upset, but I think in the end it will work out for the best. In order to make myself feel less guilty about the whole thing, I had a $70 Mickey-themed fruit basket sent to their room. My SIL thinks this makes me look good. I hope she's right.

Day Two (Animal Kingdom and Downtown Disney):

My MIL was quite consumed today with making sure that we are all next to each other in line. And she’d freak out about it extremely early, insisting large families and groups of people in matching shirts go ahead of us because one or two of us were not EXACTLY with the rest of us in line yet. “Where’s the rest of our seven?” she said more than thrice today. Calm down. We will not let you ride the water ride alone. We promise!

In other news, my BIL and SIL thought they were clever when they “announced” at lunch today that they would be adding someone to their family. They will be welcoming another Chesapeake puppy into their home. Ha ha ha. I’m crying from laughing so hard at that little joke. Seriously, I’m crying. When will they have kids so that my MIL can bother THEM for a change?

Day Three (Hollywood Studios & Epcot):

We barely saw MIL today and all kind of did our own thing. Naps were an important part of the day. Here is one funny thing I’ll tell you that my MIL likes to do. She likes to make things seem coincidental (or interesting) that aren’t really at all. Example, when we got on the bus last night to come home after our Norwegian dinner, she says, “Oh, its 10:27 and there are 7 of us!” What? She does this kind of thing all the time, which used to annoy me, but now (I’m growing up a little I guess), I think that it is amusing.

Day Four (Magic Kingdom):

BIL and SIL ended their vacation today, so the responsibility of entertaining my MIL rested upon my shoulders. We got a bit of family time in sans in-laws before the humoring of the MIL took place which included riding the most annoying ride in the world, but her “favorite!!!! I could ride it 20 times!” “it’s a small world.” Ugh.

The hardest part of the day though was the laundry! We combined a load of laundry at 11 pm and then were at the pool while it washed and dried. That’s an hour of alone time where I had to make small talk with a woman I have little in common with. It was hard because I was tired, my nice filter was off, and she doesn’t think there should be silence between two people…EVER. So that little bonding session will make Day 5 a little more difficult.

Day Five (Epcot):

As predicted, it’s Tuesday and I just don’t want to be anywhere around the MIL. There is nothing specific really that she has done today, it’s just the cumulative effect of her constant talking and her constant trying-to-be-helpfulness. She’s driving me nuts, and what’s worse, she’s driving my son nuts. I can tell because he has gets very snotty with her. I think he is annoyed with her fake stupid questions to him that she uses to fill silences. “Oh, do you think Mickey will be in our room when we get back?” He sighs, rolls his eyes and says, “NO, why would Mickey be in our ROOM!?” then I reprimand him for being a brat and secretly think, “Good, at least someone has the balls to tell her she’s annoying. “

Day Six (Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios)

Six days, really? I'm ready for them to go home tomorrow. I can't pretend to like her any longer. She has been on her cell phone a lot during this vacation. I must be a horrible friend, because I haven't even thought of calling any of you guys!

Day Seven (MIL leaves WDW!)

This morning was tough. On her last day to see my son, my MIL gets so weepy and whiney it is hard for me to tell who is the 5 year old and who is the 65 year old. She also starts with the “Remember when we…” and recounts the entire visit/vacation every time she opens her mouth. My son gets annoyed with this game quickly. I do too, but as mentioned earlier, I am unable to say, “Shut the F*$k up! It was yesterday, of course we remember!” The irony of this little game is that she actually does not remember anything. I had to talk her through an entire day to convince her she rode the train at Animal Kingdom. Her memory is the worst, and I’m pretty sure it’s not the onset of Alzheimer’s but merely the fact that she goes through life letting things happen rather than making things happen, so she doesn’t really have any stake in anything. Also she is so busy talking, she never actually listens which is why she doesn't remember anything we tell her. Enough pseudo-psychology.

The thing that pissed me off the most today is when she walked into our room and tried to hand us money so we would be sure to tip the maid service. “I read in the book you are supposed to tip, so here is some money.” There are a few things wrong with this act.
1) I used to be a maid in Yellowstone (Which she obviously forgot!) so I know you are supposed to tip.
2) We are not children. We know the proper etiquette of travel (which obviously she does not if she had to READ IT IN THE BOOK ON THIS TRIP!)
3) We have been leaving a tip daily, and we told her this fact. Her response was to try to force us to take the money anyway. I said, “[MIL], Please stop throwing money at us. I am sick of it and it makes me uncomfortable. We are fully capable of tipping the maid ourselves.” Of course, being afraid of confrontation she turned away and got all flustered and tried to think of something pleasant to talk about. Such is our relationship.

When we left them after breakfast, both MIL and FIL cried (per usual). I’m not a crier unless something is really sad, and leaving them was definitely not sad. The rest of the day was kind-of anticlimactic, but we had some good family time in the pool. Next time we go to Disney World, I will insist we go it alone. ☺

We're Goin' to Disney World!

2008-06-24T14:40:00.005-04:00

In 45 days (and counting) we are going to Disney World. "We" includes me, my husband, my 5 year old son, my Mother and Father-in Law and my Brother and Sister in law. We are going to Florida, in August for a week. Yes, we have adjoining rooms. No, I have not yet scheduled my hot stone massage that will immediately follow the in-law departure. Yes, I am freaking out. Yes, I need to laugh at your stories and learn from your experience. If you have gone on an intense Disney or similar vacation with your in-laws, please share your story!

THIS JUST IN: I will be reporting from DW every night right here on MILSurvivial. Check in August 8-16 for under the covers reports about what it is like to be in the "happiest place on earth," with your in-laws!

Sorry, We are Closed (and it's all her fault)

2008-06-03T11:22:00.007-04:00

This weekend, the in-law's family store went out of business. After over 60 years of serving the customer in a small town, the shelves are clear and the doors have been locked permanently. I was not there, but there were apparently many tears and much sadness surrounding the loss of a town icon. My DH was sad from a distance. I'm a little sad too. After all, it's all my fault.

I am sure many of you out there have had that nagging feeling that your MIL blames you (even ever so slightly) for one thing or another. "If he wouldn't have married her, my son would still live in Tacoma," or "My son would have been a priest, but then he met and married that vixen." Well, if it hadn't been for me, my husband would have married a nice Lutheran girl, moved down the street from his parents, took over the business and joined the church choir. This is absolutely true. I believe it with my whole heart, just as my MIL had believed it. But, he did marry me, and her dream died.

Now, some might say, "What about his brother? Surely it can't be ALL your fault. You have a sister-in-law, maybe it's her fault." A nice thought, but no. The family dynamic is such that my BIL was destined for greatness, and my DH was destined to carry on the family legacy. My in-laws have tried twice to get us to move there, live in their basement until we get settled and get my DH trained to take over the business. When both of us were jobless for a time, you could almost hear the glee in their voices as they suggested this. But it was too late, I already had my clutches in him, and there was no going back. I took him thousands of miles from his family never to return, no matter what.

So, it's my fault, and I'm OK with that. My DH is OK with that too, because what the in-laws don't know is that he thanks me for it. He is proud of the man he's become, the life he has made, and the family he has. Sure, we will miss the store, but perhaps we have our own legacy to create.

Adjoining Rooms?!!!!

2008-04-18T16:36:00.006-04:00

Whenever I am forced to travel with or meet my in-laws at some exciting (or less than exciting) location, I try to be as proactive as possible. I will do everything within my power to book a room for my family on my own or arrainge our accommodations with a friend who lives in the area. All of this is to avoid the inevitable email or phone call announcing, "I went ahead and called the hotel for you. I got us adjoining rooms!!!!!" Yes, the exclamation marks are absolutely there. Nothing is as exciting to my MIL as adjoining rooms, and I have to ask the question, why?

With adjoining rooms, there is no sex for anyone, there is no relaxation, no peace, no quiet, no walking around naked, no escape. It's actually worse than staying at my MIL's house. At least there, I have several rooms in which to hide.

In less than a month, my family will be meeting the in-laws in Montana for a wedding. Once we decided to attend, I called my good friend and arranged to stay with her, and then notified the in-laws of our plans. I was pretty proud of myself and thought I had won a small victory. But alas, my plans were foiled.

Newsflash: The wedding is an hour away from where my friend lives. And while this may be no big deal under optimal circumstances, we probably don't want to drive in the pitch black Montana night on roads we don't know with alcohol in our system. DRAT! So we got the email, she booked the rooms and we will be adjoining my in-laws for one night. I guess one night is better than two. Score: DIL 1 vs. MIL 1. This battle ends in a tie, but the war rages on.

Please Don't Die!

2008-03-06T12:06:00.002-05:00

Every Daughter-In-Law has that fantasy, or at least that fleeting moment when they think, "I can't wait until that woman is dead," about their MIL. It doesn't really MEAN you wish her dead. It is simply something we say or think to ourselves for a moment of meanness with nobody getting hurt. It is kind of the same thing as when someone says, "I'd kill myself if that happened." Of course you wouldn't. Your friends and family don't take it seriously, because you don't mean to be serious! We say it for dramatic effect, people laugh at your immense reaction to a possible situation, and we go on with our day.

My MIL is at the Doctor today (finally) for an ailment that has been pretty much undiagnosable for the past five years. She finally has decided to go to a real doctor in a real city and see what is wrong with her, something the sub-par doctors of the prairie cannot "fer the life of 'em, figure out." So of course, I am thinking the worst. And worst of all, I'm feeling guilty for every time I've thought, "I wish she'd die!"

So MIL who will never read this blog, I hope you come back from the Doctor with a new diet (that you will actually adhere to) and the news that with some moderate lifestyle modifications you will be A-OK. Because if you don't, this blog will cease to be fun.

Time to Play Nice

2008-02-14T10:54:00.007-05:00

Sometimes, you just know it. You have to get on her good side. You can just feel that the MIL is thinking, "I don't know what I did, but I haven't heard from my Daughter in Law in weeks." And she may have actually done nothing. You just decided that life was getting too stressful and any MIL contact would put you over the edge. That is where I often find myself. However, once you are out of that funk, you just know that you need to suck it up and call, email, write, or make some sort of "I'm a nice person, really" gesture. That's where I found myself this week.

I had been avoiding my MIL for about 3 weeks during which time she was seemingly trying to manipulate my son's next birthday celebration and Christmas plans for her WHOLE family behind my back. Yes, it is only February, and she is already trying to secure visitation for all holidays in 2008. Anyway, I thought it best that I just not speak to or communicate with her for a while, at least not until the whole birthday/Christmas thing was resolved twixt my husband and the rest of the in-laws.

After that was resolved, I continued to avoid her over the next couple of weeks. She called me at work; I did not call her back. She sent several emails (none DIRECTLY to me); I did not respond. She called our home; I checked Caller ID and did not get on the phone. But then this Monday, I knew I could no longer avoid her. I just had this feeling that if I didn't initiate some sort of contact, there would be some sort of unpleasant reprocussions in the not too distant future.

So I crafted an email that took me longer to write than this blog entry, making sure it was all nicey nice and all about her. I even invited her for a visit, which I rarely do. I also answered the phone when she called on Tuesday, making sure to talk to her for more than a minute and a half. Then the cherry on top, I sent a Valentine. It was all relatively painless, but the reward is that everything feels even and in balance. The relationship, at least for now, is at a clean slate kind of place. My husband is happy. My MIL is happy. My brain is settled, and there is no sign of any oncomming controversy or battle. So I'll just bask in the nothingness right now.

After all, Easter is coming, and I am sure there will be something fun to get myself worked up about then.

Responses to Crazy Talk?

2008-01-22T09:11:00.000-05:00

It has not been my intention to make this blog too personal, but I just have to ask you all something. What do you do when your MIL just throws some whacked-out, cuckoo idea at you? My MIL has this annoying habit of starting sentences with, "I was just thinking...." and I guarantee you whatever is next out of her crazy mouth is absolutely ridiculous. It is usually so off the wall that it throws me for a loop, therefore rendering me unable to snap back with an intelligent (or snarky) response. I am usually left stumbling with an answer that consists of five "ums" and a couple of "I...uhs". Does this happen to anyone else? Is there a standard response that I should memorize for such instances? I really need help on this one!

Men can post here; if they must

2008-01-09T15:24:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine and her husband have been engaged in a minor battle about the man cold. I find it hilarious, but he is not so amused. I promised him that in retaliation, he could dish on her mom here! So men, here is a small space for you to dish about your MILs too. Have fun.

Cultural Divide Stories

2008-01-09T15:16:00.000-05:00

Since some MIL problems seem to stem from cultural differences, I thought I'd put a space here for that. Catholics vs. Jews; Asians vs. Italians; Black vs. White; or in my case, Norwegians vs. Rednecks! It all has the ability to create conflict. If you have a story that can help others narrow that cultural divide, please share it!

MIL Correspondance

2007-11-20T10:02:00.001-05:00

Since most of my "conversations" with my MIL take place via email, I think I'll put some of the better ones here. You should too! It's fun (and a little mean).

Need Advice?

2007-11-20T09:56:00.000-05:00

Milly invites you to post your latest Mother In Law conundrum. Want to hear an objective point of view from total strangers? Post here!

Birth Stories Here!

2007-11-15T11:50:00.000-05:00

Please, we don't want to hear about how your water broke on someones leather sofa (unless it was your MIL's leather sofa!) or were in labor for 36 hours, or that your doctor got in a fight with your husband. We want to hear the Mother In Law response!

I know MY mother has a fun story about when I was born. Apparently, my grandmother, after being told she was not permitted into the delivery room, stomped into the room yelling at everyone saying, "I am her mother (um NO, you are her husband's mother) and I demand to be here for the birth of my first grandchild." My mother (who was 17 at the time) announced, "GET THAT BITCH OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!" She was dragged out, kicking and screaming. Yeah, their relationship has kind of been like that ever since.

I actually don't have a story. My MIL lives far away and didn't even get to see my son until a month later. But I know a lot of you have great ones! Share, share!

Holiday Stories Here!

2007-11-14T09:30:00.000-05:00

As the holidays approach, I would like to encourage everyone to submit their BEST MIL holiday story! It will help others "get through", knowing that others have MIL issues too!

Welcome to the Mother in Law Survival Guide

2007-11-08T15:10:00.000-05:00

Hello, and welcome!

Mothers In Law come in all shapes and sizes. Some are naughty, some are nice. Some are sweet, some are sour. Some are our best friends, and some are our worst enemies.

I invite you to share your stories with us, ask for and give advice to those in need and basically to simply VENT so that you don't have to badmouth your husband's mother to him! (He really hates that.)

As Thanksgiving approaches, I am confident that I will have some real gems to share. If you do as well, post them here!

Looking forward to hearing your stories,
Milly