Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
If only she knew!
This blog was designed for YOU, Daughters-In-Law! Use it to swap stories and advice about your favorite person on the planet!
Who is MILLY?
She's a quasi-happily married, mother of one adorable boy and a new baby girl. She has a full-time job and enjoys part-time passions. She lives miles and miles away from her Mother In Law, and yet the MIL is still often in the way.
If only she knew!
Fave this blog!
16 comments:
what to do when mil blames you for lack of visits to them when they live in other state?
When husband is part of decisions to no visit them but does not stand up to them and tell them he does not want to come... but just gives lame excuses!!
Must we treat our inlaws and parents equally...???????????????????
yncpm
Anon-
Absolutely NOT. Does your husband treat your parents equally to his own?
In my situation, my MIL wants to be "girl-friends," since she knows she could never compete with my Mother in the closeness, advice-seeking way. The problem is that if I was not related to this woman, I would NEVER even think of befreinding her. We have nothing in common, and quite frankly, I really believe she cares more that people THINK we are friends than us actully BEING friends.
It's time for DH to step up. He needs to call and/or email his mother more, and make her think that you haven't stolen him away! The more effort he puts into filling the void that she is feeling from you being far away, "stealing her baby" and such, the less she will bug YOU directly. It really worked for me!
-Milly
Thanks for advice.
I need more. I had a blow up email fight with MIL. I could write a book about it describing it to you.. but it was about what I said before and more. And I told my hubby about it and told him he needs to stand up to her and tell her his decisions are final, and not blame me for them all so she will etc. So he knows what needs to be done.. but practically avoids even speaking to her during her weekly call just to avoid it.. But he does speak with her every week as usual since our fight and his mother NEVER even MENTIONS anything about me, our little fight or the issues at hand..
It pisses me off every week when I hear she never mentioned me or the issues. In our last email I told her please do not respond.. after I apologized for living our lives.
And was sorry to hear all she blamed me for... about 3-4wks has passed with no communication between her and I.. and tonight I got an email. Like nothing ever happened small talk...like we used to email back and forth.
Sorry this is so long.
What do I do.. my hubby won't stand up until subject is brought up on phone with his mom. And I don't want to talk to her unless she gets the message from HIM.
but I have read don't hold grudge with inlaws. be the better one. but she never apologized for anything she said!
I know it is hard, but what you have read is right. You have to let it go, because she has. She will not apologize, because in her mind, it is "water under the bridge. Why bring it up?" I know this situation SO well and even though you are hurting from the aweful things that she said, in her mind, it is over, never to be discussed again.
Don't worry, she'll piss you off again in the future, which will give your husband another opportnity to repremand his mother. This would be a great time for him to practice something to have in reserve for the next time. Maybe something like, "Mom, when you say hurtful things to my wife, it not only upsets her, but it upsets me. You taught me that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I think that was an important lesson." Start with that.
My favorite quote about anger is this, "The great irony of anger is in the way it does more damage to ourselves than to the objects of our anger."--Sarah Napthali
I hope this helps a little.
Thanks SOOOOOOOO much... I hate to do it but I guess I must.
Also I saw this quote some place
Forgive your enemies... it annoys them the most........
My hubby did try to bring it up once by mentioning we would be coming near the holiday but she didnt press him like she learned.. and she said she would not ask any more about our plans since I told her it was not necessary to ask repeatedly. Maybe she has learned a lesson too.
Okay Im back, but do I have to respond to her small talk email? Or can I just ignore it for awhile or a long while. Why do we have to go back the way we were. And won't it force them to speak about it when she can't take the silence? Or is that just evil?
...............................
It depends. Is she asking you actual questions that need to be answered?
My MIL just emails random information about people I don't know or about medical ailments of those I do, so they really never warrant a response.
Check out my post titled "Time to Make Nice." You can ignore her for a little while, but when you feel that you've just about crossed the line, you should take the initiative do write or call her about something specific.
The MIL-DIL relationship is such a tricky game. To win, you must play with only a touch of evil but plenty of Saccharine.
Well she I re read her email and it really only asks me one question. Whats up? and then proceeded with all small talk and stories of what she has been up to the last 3 wks. No dire need to respond, other than this is the only way in which we communicate. In the past we just email back and forth small talk of what goes on in life.
So ignoring it ingores our relationship.
I have been discussing with my dh against his will and I just want him to examine aka read emails between us that were the fight. And then discuss with me. ANd I bought the book toxic inlaws today to read... yahoo. I know she is not as bad as many mil's but drives me wild.
More advice needed. I have not responded to email from MIL. I have been waiting for dh to talk with her since he did read the emails and agrees his mom is out of line. But he missed the weekly call because he was not home, then the mom called saying how grandmother was sick, then she called and grandmother had passed. So he did not want to bring up discussion at those times. NOW this weekend is the funeral and we all are getting together. Its going to be so awkward! just for me though. Im assuming she will act as though nothing ever happened. But Im not sure if I should reply to her email like no big deal or remain quiet and pretend nothing ever happened in public.? I am urging dh to speak with her this week before we see them but no guarantee this will happen. Im trying not to worry about it but I cannot help it!
At a Funeral (and surrounding events), all bets are off. I suspect that you are correct in saying that you will be the only one who will feel akward, and as we discussed before, MIL has already let this go. This email happened weeks ago. You need to let it go and play the role of good DIL at this difficult time for your family.
Here is what I did with a particularly horrid letter I received from my MIL. I saved it. I tucked it away into one of the secret compartments of my wallet, and from time to time I would pull it out and show it to my friends who would ultimatley validate my feelings that it was totally out of line. But you know,that was a year ago, and I am so over it. I haven't looked at that letter in about six months. I won't throw it away, but it's not worth pulling out anymore.
Well My dh did finally talk to his mom but Im not sure he got through to her completely. My dh got mad at me asking too many questions but his conversation and did not want to talk about it anymore. At first she said she just was never going to invite us to anything ever again. (sounds good to me)I think he may have
told her a few things that she may have not realized but I think the underlying problems remain. She is still jealous and thinks he is angel and will ultimately always blame me. And for that I don't really want to talk to her anymore than I have to. I will be over it but I don't want to fakely talk to her via email all the time. I can just do with out talking at all. Until we build back a friendly relationship. I just don't know.
Need some help here ladies!!!
Background:
I am a Canadian girl living in Australia - I moved here with the intention of only staying for 2 years and then moving home, as I moved here on a contract with my employer. I have since fallen in love with a gorgeous Australian man, quit my job, with the intention of living here permanently. We moved from Sydney to Perth in May this year - mainly for a lifestylr change, but also had the opportunity to live in my in-laws house for next to nothing, so that we can save up for our own house. The in-laws do not live there, they live an hour away but visit often. His younger (very lazy and incapable) brother lives in the house as well.
Problem:
My partner and I continue to argue about the fact that I have not warmed up to his family, and he has it in his head that I dislike them. I have never once said this, but dislike some of the things they do and say (or don't say). Frankly, they drive me slightly insane, but I can handle them when I get notice of their constant visits and in small doses.
They are very quiet and reserved people, and I don't feel they have ever made an attempt to get to know me. I am never asked anything beyond how are you and how is your new job. The first time I met them was in the Sydney airport - I had just got off a 30 hour flight from Canada after being home for 2 weeks, and they didn't ask me anything about my trip or time with my family. So that's the great first impression I got of them!
I am fairly shy and quiet around new people, so when people don't engage me in conversation and are awkward to speak to, I tend to close up and don't know what to say in return. Around people I know and am comfortable with, I'm very chatty and outgoing - you would never know I'm a classic introvert.
My partner fully acknowledges that his parents are reserved and don't say a lot, but wants me to act the same around them as I do with him. I've tried explaining to him that I have different approaches to different people depending on their personalities - I think everyone does - but that doesn't seem to sink in.
So my question is...
How do I improve the relationship with his parents without being fake?
I do want this relationship to work - I love this man! I know that the situation will improve once we're on our own and have some privacy - but I do have to deal with them in the interim as they own the house and therefore set the rules.
I understand his perspective that all of this makes him feel uncomfortable and doesn't want to be in the middle. But I also want him to understand my perspective that their personalities are simply awkward to be around. If they made an effort to open up, it wouldn't be so painful.
I am going to put your comment into a new post so we can maximize the advice possitbilities!
My MIL and I are totally on different pages. I can not connect with her in anyway. She is okay sometimes and then will make some rude comment which leaves me totaly baffled. I find her very insensitive. She is always talking about me when she is with her son alone. Basically complaining about me and telling him that he must tell me to change. My husband has been supportive of me all this while. She also complains about me to her daughter who comes and promptly tells me all about it. i have just had enough of her. I have begun hating her so much and the very thought that I have to put up with her all my life makes me want a divorce. It has been six years since I have been married and the tensions with in laws has remained all this while. I have been silent all this while in spite of their rude and insensitive behaviour and I have reached a stage where I feel that another of her rude comments and I will explode. There is much bitterness and anger inside me and I am just not sure how long I can remain silent.
Here is my question, if your husband is so supportive, how do you know that MIL is talking about you behind your back and asking him to make you change? If your husband was really supportive, he would stop her right away before she even had time to tell him about all the ways that you are a disappointment to her. He should say, "Mom, I love this woman, and I refuse to listen to you talk about her this way." If she continues, he should leave the room or hang up the phone. On top of that, he should be keeping his big mouth shut. Why is he telling you that she is saying these things? He knows this talk hurts you, but he is still telling you about it? This is benefiting NOBODY. Does he agree with his mother? Does he like that you two don't get along? Get thee to counseling with your husband. It is the only thing that saved my marriage, which also almost ended due to in-law interference. Until he really stands up to his mother, her actions won't change, and he won't do it until he knows how important this is to you and your marriage.
Post a Comment