Ok. I'll admit it. Sometimes, I overreact. But you know what, I don't care. If my first impulse is to overreact, well then, that is an organic response. It's not like I work myself up into overreacting. That is just wrong. Such is the case with the newest installment of "Guess what my Mother In Law Did this Time!"
A couple of weeks ago, I went away for two days to a conference. (Which was FABULOUS!) In my absence, my in-laws decided to come and "help" my husband with the kids. I didn't care. For the most part, I wasn't here. Well, during that time, my MIL noticed that my 2-year-old daughter was having some...let's say "elimination"... issues. Now, my husband and I are totally aware of the issues, and have discussed them with our pediatrician. Our son had similar issues when he was a toddler, so we are no spring chickens regarding the situation. When I got home from my conference, all seemed fine. My MIL mentioned the elimination problem to me, to which I replied with something pithy like; "Hmm" or "Oh" and just let it go. I mean this is a woman who tells me the consistency of her own "eliminations;" so really, I just feel like the quicker I can get her to change the subject the better.
Fast forward to a week later, when my MIL and FIL attended a family wedding and spent some time with my FIL's sister, who happens to be a Pediatric Physician's Assistant. I get this email from her entitled "Consult" that was four or five paragraphs long. I could only imagine what my MIL had told her that prompted her to take that much time to write me an email that choc-full of advice. Advice, I might add, Auntie has given us before (when we actually asked for it) when my son was little. In my mind, my MIL with her little girl voice told Auntie that our "poor" baby couldn't poop and that her DIL didn't even seem to care, etc.
Well, I was furious, and wrote a pretty terse email back to Auntie, basically telling her thanks but shut up and tell my MIL to do the same. Then I felt bad, because it wasn't Auntie's fault. I LOVE Auntie. Luckily, it turned out that Auntie realized that I never asked for the advice, which my MIL insisted that I needed, and she apologized for not asking first. So, to make a long story short, I am extremely angry about this, and I so want to call her on this! Not only did she go and talk about me and my family behind our backs, making it sound like we were not being good parents. But she also went off, half informed, not knowing that we were already in the process of "curing" the situation.
My mom says to let this one go. My husband say's I'm overreacting. And I guess, since Auntie knows that I am mad, and agrees with me, I should feel that I have won in some small way. But I still want my MIL to know that she was in the wrong. Well, at least I have the catharsis of blogging about it.
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20 comments:
Dear Milly,
I'm so glad to have found your blog. To know that I'm not alone in my experience with my future MIL, well, it's comforting. You've inspired me to start my own blog regarding my experience as a daughter-in-law. It's a great outlet to relieve my frustrations with that woman. Who knows, if she keeps it up, I may hop on Lulu and make her a book for Christmas.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks.
-TinaDoris
http://negotiatingwithaterrorist.wordpress.com/
Yes, I agree with Tina! I have some similar issues. Feel free to read my post from today and give me feed back! Thanks for sharing.
-Jadyn
whoops...
jfedrcik.wordpress.com
You have inspired me too!! I love knowing I'm not alone in this not-good-enough-for-my-son-even-though-I-dropped-him-at-my-own-moms-door-to-raise life.
http://beingthebetterperson.blogspot.com/
honey, let it go. My MIL has not like me since our dating days. Three kids & 13 years later, she still doesn't like me and I finally realized I don't like her. I am Christian & it was hard accepting that, but guess what not everyone liked Jesus so not everyone is going to like me. brining it up to your mother in law is not going to make things better. She probably doesn't agree with your parenting style, and that ok; she doesn't have too.
Who would have thought I would come across??? Gee! Now I am glad I am not alone :)
I do wonder somehow when I shared my problems with my fellow friends and they replied to me saying to let go or don't bother. Its easier said than done!!
My MIL drives me mad since the day I got married in 2008 upto date. She always tells me and my husband what we should or shouldn't do! Just by listening to her voice makes me angry and I do wish I can just disappear! She is one person who is very judgemental. I mean who is not right ? Recently she complained that my husband have changed and this really upsetted me! Before he used to be single and now he is married and that makes the difference. I leave my family and friends be where we are now for him. Although we don't lived together but I think her behaviour is way too much at times. Sending sms everyday and writing emails basically just to talk about the weather etc. Like my MIL, I am a mother too with a young boy and I have never the intention to break the relationship between my husband and his mother but one thing for sure no marriage will survive long with MIL always in the picture. I am someone who is very patient and I have never once said to her that I don't like her or don't appreciate the things she said to me. I do respect and love her but I hate the fact that at times she invade too much in my private belongings when I am not at home and though I have said to her that my marriage could be in trouble due to her interference she continue to repeat the same mistakes! Once she told me that I shouldn't be pregnant before I find a job and I did fall pregnant a year after I got married and now she is going ga-ga over my little boy and accusing me of not letting her see him when it was me who often sent pictures and news of him to her and even invited both of them over to spend time with my little boy. Tell me if I am a bad daughter in law. Life isnt easy for me as I can only share with limited people as I don't want my parents to know the truth and worry about me! This may sound strange but I have been down with depression since the day I married my husband and up to now (almost 4 years). I would normally just cry out and prefer not to drag my husband in it cos as her son, it is natural that he will be on her side and I have no say to that of course!
you ladies need to know about this. http://dilsisterhood.com
we cant please every body, specifically ladies. always it is better to be your own self.
Milly, what's new?
Girls, I am a MIL and I am so sad to read these blogs. I love my daughter in laws and if I step over any lines my sons usually tell me. If you have a daughter you have her forever, SIL don't seem to have the same problem as DIL. You still love your son and want to be part of his family life. You as the wife can set the boundaries and try and talk it out accepting there are 2 sides to the one issue. I think a MIL should accept her boundaries and needs to know them. Each daughter in law is different, but the tales I have from my friends about their DIL is as irrationaly as what I am reading on this site. You girls need to sweat the the hard stuff and look to yourself if you really want to resolve these issues or just continue bitching and bemoaning your MIL. Most MIL if approached with honesty and a little care and consideration of their absolutley hopeless position.
Growing old is not easy and if any of your MIL cannot work with you on your issues, then you know that you just work with her and concentrate on your family and your life, but let it go once it is no longer in your control.
Good luck girls.
I absolutely agree with MIL previous comment. If you are lucky you will be a MIL yourself one day and will then realise how difficult it can be. None of you seem to realise that your MIL loves her son as much as you love yours. You can not expect her to simply turn off her love tap and walk away and not take interest or care once he marries. I would say 99% of MILs do what they do "only trying to help" with a good heart what ever they are doing. Instead you constantly want to interpret this as interfering. You forget we have all been there done that and have much more life experience that you do. Some DIL want to remove their husbands and children away from his family and be selfish with the grandchildren. There are some terrible stories out there. Just try to see your MIL as a loving mum who just wants the best for you all and is only trying to help, it may help with your bitchy attitude. Try, even though very difficult to put yourself in her place. Usually they are trying to cope with menopause ( and you all have that ahead of you!) and ageing parents of their own and now the GFC. Take a look at yourselves for a change.
Absolutely crap.... To the last post, respect and life experience is not age specific... Everyone is individuals. You cannot tar everyone with the same brush I.e not all mil are the same neither are all dil. There is all different cases and I.hope there are more successful than unsuccessful but to say stop being a bitch, you don't know these people, they haven't come here for nothing, I'm sure if.the dip y were 'bitchy' enough then they wouldn't need a site like this they'd have told mil to f**k off and put the poison out their vicinity. I spied really clever fly mil would find this site to still terrorise the 'horrible no gooder' who 'stole' their sons heart.... Enough said.
The comments are more entertaining that the post, a little, in that the MILs who posted here seem to "know all" about the dynamic between MIL and DIL, but have forgotten that while they want you to put yourself in shoes you haven't experienced, they, however, have most likely already been a DIL and have a bit of experience in that field. It would be plausibly easier for a MIL to put herself in the DILs shoes than the other way around, seeing how one has already been there and one hasn't.
That said, it was inappropriate for your MIL to share personal health information with anybody without asking you first if it was OK, and there's nothing wrong with saying so and stating that you would appreciate it if she would either ask or keep it private in the future.
You can have a great MIL who is an awful communicator, and no matter how "well-meaning" she is, if she cannot communicate with you effectively, there are bound to be problems. Period.
Reads the comments ladys my mil says iam a witch my husband must divorce me its really hurts
My heart hurts reading the DIL's feeling towards their MIL's. I try to be a good MIL and Grandmother at all times.
I was looking for a blog about how to get along better with your DIL and came upon this sad blog.
I raised my son telling him that when he married to have a nice marriage like mine (32 years) he must be loyal to his wife before his Mother. Well he has been doing so for 5+ years now and I can see his sadness when his wife treats his Dad and I poorly at times. She is very anxiety prone and has been since I met her back in 1998.
My DIL is a beautiful, educated woman. Very earthy and has raised our Granddaughter wonderfully with my son, minus all her lists. Yes, lists...I have received lists and lists since our Granddaughter's birth as my DIL, I feel, must think I never had children of my own, lol. I accept them, try to abid by all of them, but lately I'm feeling more and more incompetent after an evening sleepover. And I did everything on the LIST.
I guess what I am asking here is what do you recommend I do, if there is anything I can do, to make our relationship a better one. My DIL and I talk, well she can vent at any moment...however, I must pick my battles...I always remember I have a Grandchild in the crossfire.
If you have some kind words of help for this ol' MIL, please share.
My heart hurts reading the DIL's feeling towards their MIL's. I try to be a good MIL and Grandmother at all times.
I was looking for a blog about how to get along better with your DIL and came upon this sad blog.
I raised my son telling him that when he married to have a nice marriage like mine (32 years) he must be loyal to his wife before his Mother. Well he has been doing so for 5+ years now and I can see his sadness when his wife treats his Dad and I poorly at times. She is very anxiety prone and has been since I met her back in 1998.
My DIL is a beautiful, educated woman. Very earthy and has raised our Granddaughter wonderfully with my son, minus all her lists. Yes, lists...I have received lists and lists since our Granddaughter's birth as my DIL, I feel, must think I never had children of my own, lol. I accept them, try to abid by all of them, but lately I'm feeling more and more incompetent after an evening sleepover. And I did everything on the LIST.
I guess what I am asking here is what do you recommend I do, if there is anything I can do, to make our relationship a better one. My DIL and I talk, well she can vent at any moment...however, I must pick my battles...I always remember I have a Grandchild in the crossfire.
If you have some kind words of help for this ol' MIL, please share.
Norine, that's so sad I have a terrible mil makes me sad reading that you've tried and tried..i only wish. My poor husband was out casted from his family because we didn't love his ex wife (no kids involved) and didn't want to share our new life with her. We now have 5 sons and are married. You can be my mom in law haha. And like you i gave my l for 3 yrs did everything even cooked Christmas dinner and took it Over to her house so the whole family could enjoy Christmas at the grandparents. But nope not good enough. Norine...in the end there is nothing you can do if you son chooses to be with her and love her just be happy try not to expect this great relationship with her who knows maybe that's the best she can give? Just be there for your son and your gran daughter she will always remember your kindness and who knows maybe in the future she will come to you for advice. Just keep telling them you love them and find something to keep you busy with your life. What I've learnt being a battered DIL is accept the things you can not change with that I wish you the best :)
MILs need to remember that their DILs are trying to have a life. They have been parented for the first 18+ years and now want to be independent. Thankfully my Mom gave us kids a lot of freedom once we turned 18 and let us make our own mistakes. I now have a MIL that wants to talk a few times a week and asks about everything from if we have done our tax return to how much money we owe on our mortgage. Frankly it is none of her business but she is used to being in her kids businesses. My husband just ignores her like he always has but to me it is a constant invasion of my personal space. I also don't want to know the graphic details about a stomach bug she had. Saying "I had a stomach bug" is enough without knowing what came out what end.
MIL need to understand their DIL may have been raised in a different way and space can be a good thing. Also I don't ever want another "cleaning tip". They are well meaning but as a woman in her mid 30's and a relatively clean house, I think I can cope.
I was married for 8years with out any child,because of this my husband start acting very strange at home,coming home late and not spending time with me any more.So i became very sad and lost in life because my doctor told me there is no way for me to get pregnant this really make life so hard for me and my family.my sister in law told me about Prophet Osaze from the Internet,how he has helped people with this similar problem that i am going through so i contacted him and explain to him.he cast a spell and it was a miracle three days later my husband can back to apologize for all he has done and told me he is fully ready to support me in any thing i want,few month later i got pregnant and gave birth to twins (girls) we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Prophet Osaze for saving my relationship and for also saving others too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address:spirituallove@hotmail. com
I would be furious too - it is not any of her business and advice you did not even ask for. But this one has to be left alone. I've been married for 5 years now and my mom always told me to pick my battles. Some days I want to clock my MIL in the face! It was not your aunties fault. You could bring it up to your MIL in a casual conversation and just let her know thanks for your advise but i'm good.
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